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Happy Life Tip of the Week, Issue #130-Fight Right
September 21, 2011
Hello Friends,

Fight right to develop win-win solutions that support a happy life.

In truth, everyone argues about important issues. But not everyone splits up. It's how you argue that matters.

Kerry Patterson, from Crucial Conversations

There is trouble in paradise. You may recall from last week, I want to buy a car, but hate shopping for cars. I found my bliss in the car shopping process by letting my husband, John, do the analysis work he loves while I write happiness tips. Trouble is, when the analysis is done, we disagree strongly on what makes the ideal car. How do we restore harmony?

The car buying decision is a high stakes decision impacting family safety and finances significantly. It is also a subjective, emotional decision impacting comfort and self image. The authors of the book Crucial Conversations call these high stakes, high emotion, difference of opinion conversations, crucial conversations, and they have done extensive research on how to hold them well.

A good crucial conversation is one where everyone has a voice and contributes to a solution that works for all. Everyone in the family will drive and ride in the car, so it is important to me that we find one that meets everyone’s needs. The first, and most important step in holding a crucial conversation is making sure everyone feels safe enough to speak out for their needs AND listen quietly to other people’s needs. We want a solution that is neither mine, nor John’s, but ours together.

Our first crucial conversation sets the ground rules for making the decision. We will not buy a car unless it meets certain safety and millage criteria and is within our price range- we establish a safe process. John will identify the top 3 cars that he could accept and I will make the final decision as I will mostly drive this car- we are clear on who gets to make the decision. We agree that we both have valid needs and concerns and that we will find a car that satisfies both of us in the most critical areas- more safety and we agree on our areas of agreement and disagreement. We have enough history together that we trust each other to stay within the rules. We can disagree agreeably because we respect each other, we trust there will be no repercussions for a different opinion, and we trust that the final decision will meet our needs.

In her best selling book, The Happiness Project, author Gretchen Rubin calls this fighting right and it is one of her key recommendations for living a happy life. Dale Carnegie, the famous human relations coach and author of the book, How to Win Friends and Influence People also focuses on how to disagree agreeably. In this interdependent world, people with this skill will be happier. They will have better relationships with their family, friends, coworkers and neighbors, and they are more likely to create unique environments and solutions that support everyone.

Master the skills of a crucial conversation to-

Fight right to develop win-win solutions that support a happy life.


Help someone else fight right for creative solutions. Pass along the Happy Life Tip of the Week!

Affirmation
When I disagree with someone, I find ways to make the disagreement safe and to foster an environment of win-win collaboration. I state my case and listen actively to the other person’s need so we can find common areas of agreement.

Journal or Meditation Question
When did I last make a decision with another person where the stakes were high, emotions were high, and we had a difference of opinion? Did I act in a way that allowed us both to safely talk about what we needed and decide on a solution that benefitted us both? What did I do well in that conversation that I could build on in other crucial conversations?

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